scared!

scared, did it take? did God change my heart? how do I know? how different should I feel? Had a situation where I wanted to close shop...put the walls back up...I thought, this is why I don't share...but then I stopped and said no, I cannot close my heart. I want to recieve love. (btw, hate the word receive, never can remember which way it is spelled) I had to talk myself through that panic attack and talked myself into remaining open to intimacy and open to receiving love. I don't know. Just want to receive God's love.

This has no title!

So, I finally got on my knees and asked God to heal that part of my heart that can't feel love. That is deeply afraid of intimacy. The part of my heart I haven't wanted anyone to see or touch. The part of my heart that believes I am unworthy, I am no good, I am not pretty enough to wear the diamond necklace Ava gave me. The part that works overtime to hide the fear. The part that wants everyone else to feel deeply loved, they way I desire, yet am too afraid to allow. The part of my heart that screams desperately to be loved, but blocks it all from coming in because it would be too painful to accept. Since I wrote my last post I realize I have had less and less patience with my parents, I have had less and less grace for them, less and less have I wanted to be in their presence. I kept pondering, was this me going hom rogue, without God? I mean, why am I getting less and less tolerant of them, instead of more and more?!?! I guess God just wasn't going to let me get comfortable where I stopped, He wants all of me and I finally want him in that place of me that hurts so bad and is so scared. I knew that I needed him in this place when my sister told me that Ava loves me so....and I was so sad, because I wanted to be able to feel her love for me. I want to sense His blessing on my life. I want to know that I am somebody. I want to know that I am special. I want to know that I am needed. I want to know that I am wanted. I want to know that I am precious. I want to know that I am being blessed just for who I am. I want to accept affirmation from others that I am ok. I want a great capacity for emotional intimacy. I want to look at God as a loving, heavenly father who wants to bless me, just because I am me. I want to reach out to others with a new level of authenticity. I know that a genuine loss has occurred in my life, I never had the things from a parent that a child is supposed to get. Like the child who asks his parent to play darts and says, I'll throw them and you say, good shot! That is what I missed. That is what I need. And now, that is what I want. I knew God was asking me this, and I just felt it would hurt to much to get on my knees and open up that part of me and offer it to him, to lay it at the foot of the cross. But when I did, I didn't weep uncontrollably, I didn't feel excruciating pain, I didn't feel all the loss. I just felt peace. And I thought...oh no, God's not here. He's not going to help me. And so I sat on my knees and told him I would stay there all night, I wasn't leaving until he met me here and until he took this from me and made it his. And still no excruciating pain, just unfamiliar peace. And so I said, I confess, I hate them, I am sorry, please forgive me, ok, I do I hate them. Now please come, heal my heart, finish this, allow me to receive your love, allow me to receive love from others. And nothing, just a quietness and a peace, where to me it felt like his absence because I was sure that I would cry and cry and it would be so full of pain to do. And still today, I think, do I have to fast? What do I have to do?!! And then I hear, that's the point, you needn't do a thing, you came to Me and now it's mine. And I think, how do I test it out?!??! God's peace and love are not earned. They are given freely because he loves me just as I am. He created me with all the qualities I have. And for the first time I can say, I want true, deep abiding, intimacy. Part of me I guess still thinks I will get that from a husband, which I may, but humans fail, humans come short, God does not. And I don't want to be a wife who needs that constant reassurace from her husband. I want to trust God's love for me and trust my husband's love for me. I want my heart to be whole. I want me heart to be able to receive love. I want to receive love. I want to receive it. I want love. This is what I have next to my bed right now....

I accept God's love for me
God is in control
Through Jesus I am clean in God's sight
I release my fears to Jesus
I claim the joy of being God's child
Because God loves me, it's ok to be incomplete
I accept God's healing of painful memories of my past
No matter what happens, I trust God is working for my good
In Christ it is ok for me to be myself
Because God has forgiven me, I can forgive others
I am blessed.