The Blessing

I had an epiphany. I knew this was the problem, I just didn't have the words to express it. Especially I had confusion because I knew I had forgiven my parents and my words for what I felt were, what do I do with the continuing hurt they give? And if I forgave them, why do those memories still bring tears to my eyes? If it still hurts have a really forgiven? And I like in this b0ok that he said it will still hurt and you just work through those things as they come, sometimes you experience new pockets of pain and when those come, you work through them. And that's ok. That gave my heart such a relief. He was specific about one day at a time. Working through present feelings in the present. I feel good about that.

The next thing he talked about was "The Blessing". When I think of the blessing, I always think of Jacob and Esau. Anyways, in a healthy family, children receive the blessing from their parents from the day they are born.

You are somebody.
You are special.
You are needed.
You are wanted.
You are precious.

I know, especially, when I typed that, I can't help but cry, and know that is what I am missing. And when I say, I can know someone loves me....but I can't feel it. Unless I am in a vulnerable state and if I can feel it, it just makes me weep and weep. Like it's nice to hear, but it's not me. It's not meant for me, it's not true.

The epiphany came, that I am still seeking the blessing from my parents. A place where it is never going to come from. I'm like a bird who flies into a window, goes back up to the tree, tries again and flies into the same window, again, and again and again. The result is just becoming more battered, more weary and believing that it isn't meant for me.

Any blessing I received from my parents was either withheld, distorted, conditional or partial. I think that's a reason I get so disappointed when I have finished visiting with them. I am hoping for something that isn't ever going to come.

I am still seeking love and approval from two dysfunctional people who even if they wanted to give it, couldn't ever give it in the way I need.

I need to stop seeking the blessing where I cannot find it. I need to stop battering myself into the window, over and over again.

It is not going to happen. It hurts. I am sorry it isn't going to happen. It sucks. But it is not going to happen.

I need to grieve the missing blessing. Which is perhaps what I do after each time I am with them?!?! I need to grieve and let go. I need to evaluate the fantasy I must have with my family, and what will happen this time I am with them. I need to adjust my expectations when I make contact with them.

So I need to seek the blessing outside my family of origin. This will take much prayer to prepare me to hear it and to accept it. I need to find healthy ways to seek out the blessing from God and from friends.

This will take some prayer and some work. It is nice to have a name to my suffering. God is good.