Going through painful memories

We had a swim team banquet. Bryan was one of our assistant coaches. He wasn't much older than I was. He was really into computers, as was my mom. He came and sat next to my mom at the banquet and they talked about computers the whole night I guess. When we got home a terrible fight ensued with my parents. My dad was enraged that my mom let Bryan sit next to her and that she talked to him so much. I think my dad was pretty much accusing her of having an affair with Bryan. It was a big and scary fight. I can remember my sister sneaking into my room. We sat next to each other on my bed, not speaking, just right next to each other scared to death. On some level, I thought my dad was capable of killing my mom. I just remember being so scared. I remember hearing my mom come upstairs and go into her closet. I could hear things banging. I just knew that she had gotten her suitcase down and was leaving. I went to sleep absolutely convinced that my mom would be gone when I got up in the morning. I could barely breathe. She was there in the morning. And no one said a word about the fight, everyone just pretended like it didn't happen.





When we were both home from college at one point, my sister and I were home alone. I can't recall if we had argued or what had happened, but my sister freaked out. She was screaming that she was leaving, she was never coming back, she got out a bag to start packing. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. She even tried to go out the second story window. Once she finally calmed down we talked about her going to see a counselor at school because it would be free.

My dad had a rifle in the front closet. I always had it in my mind that he would kill me with it. If he was going out with the dogs and had it out propped against the wall so he didn't forget it, my first thought would be a gasp and is today the day he kills me?

My father tried to force me to register to vote. My mom's job was up on a referendum. He sent people to register me to vote to the house and I sent them away. My mother, for the first time in my life said, just wait until your father gets home. I was worried sick then. Once he got home I got called down from my room for a long, long evening in the living room. I don't know how he didn't have an aneurysm, his vein in his forehead was so big, it looked like it would just explode. He started with yelling and screaming to get his way....telling me I would vote yes for this referendum. I explained calmly, that I would take his opinion into consideration and I would make my own decision. This infuriated him even more. I, for some reason, took this very seriously, that he could not force me to vote for something. I told him that what if this referendum has something I don't agree with? Like it keeps my mom's job but also cuts off every third person's legs? How could I vote yes for something just because it kept my mom's job. He was so mad. He then went the route that obviously I didn't love my mother if I was not going to vote for her to keep her job. And I just kept calmly repeating, I would take into consideration everything he said and then I would make my own decision. He then told me he wouldn't want to, but if he had to, he'd have to ask me to get out of the house, that I wouldn't have a place to live or anything to eat if I didn't do this. I don't know how that evening came to an end because I never agreed to vote. However, the next day, I was so scared. I mean I had no place to go, what would I do, would he really kick me out?? So I went crying all the way there, and crying all the way home, to register to vote. I can remember screaming and crying and banging my hands on the steering wheel. I didn't tell anyone I had done it. I didn't want to give my dad that satisfaction, but I had it just in case I needed it. I had no idea that a registration card comes in the mail. I brought in the mail that day, I would have gotten it had I known to look for it. My dad found it and said...aw...you registered...what a good girl you are and came over to hug me. I could feel more of myself die in that instant, just shrink up, shrivel up. It makes me nauseous just recalling it. And the crazy thing is, that was the end of it, there was never any mention of voting or going to vote, I never knew anything else about it. My mom did keep her job. No thanks to me.

When I was small, maybe 1st grade or smaller. My mom had gotten my sister new clothes and I hadn't gotten any. I asked why...my mom said because I got them all tomyself for three years before she was born so now they had to love her more to make up for that.

There was some drama my jr year in college on the swim team. I feel like I know where it came from but could do nothing about it and as a result was kicked off the swim team. I was so disappointed. My dad was angry and without my knowledge called the swim coach. And then called me to tell me he had set up a meeting for me to go meet with her. I explained that I would not go meet with her, I had no desire to hear what she had to say. He then exploded about me putting his good name on the line and how I WOULD go see her. I said no I wouldn't. He then threatened me. He was screaming so loud I had to take the phone from my ear and could still hear him loud and clear and lucky for me so could my roommate. So embarrassing. He told me that if I didn't that he would be up at school shortly and he would beat the shit out of me, he would kick my ass from one side of campus to the other. I don't know how that phone call ended. I did not go meet with the coach and I lived in fear for awhile, jumping every time there was a knock on the door. I was more than sure my dad would be up to school to do just as he promised.

One fall at school, I had a sundress on. Someone said, hey what's that on your arm. I lift my arm and on the underneath of my bicep is a perfect hand print bruise. I was horrified. I didn't even know it was there.

In second grade, I was so sad. I felt like no one loved me, no one liked me. I stood in front of my mirror one day crying and talking to that poor girl in the mirror, that no one loved me, no one liked me. My mom was downstairs on the phone. I heard her say hold on a minute and come up the stairs. My door was closed all but an inch, I heard her stop outside my door but we couldn't see each other. I was scared, but I took a chance, what will mom do? I repeated, crying that no one loved me and no one liked me. I heard my mom turn and go back down the stairs and I heard her say on the phone...oh nothing, just jennifer being stupid. She didn't fling open my door, she didn't rescue me, she didn't say that was wrong, I love you...she just said I was stupid.