first weekend home from college

The first weekend I came home from college my mom came to pick me up. I remember the middle of the drive vividly. We were in the silver van with maroon interior. My feet were up on the dash. We came to the only stop sign on the road. Where I believe if you turn on that road you'd go to the outlet mall now. After going through the stop and getting past the barn on the left my mom crushed me. She said, you know, since you have gone away to school....wow...I feel like I can barely write this....Now that you're gone, your dad is being mean to your sister since you're not there and THAT is all your fault for leaving.

What does someone do with that? I mean the only person in the world I would never want to hurt, what was I to do with that. I was crushed. The war that went on in my mind, the horror that I would have caused my sister to go through what I had gone through, the fact that I wasn't there to protect her, that there was nothing I could do, the fact that my own mother, the person who is supposed to love me and care for me, is blaming her husband's abusive behavior towards my sister on me, to this day I am flabbergasted by that. Because I mean, if she's blaming me and it's my fault..then to fix it, I would have to place myself back in that position so that my sister would be free. Something like this instantly changes you in the depths of your soul. My mom is mad that I am not at home getting abused. She's not even the mom that says, listen, things are getting worse, don't come back, save yourself! If my mom is mad that I am not the scapegoat anymore, she can't even possibly love me at all. The realization that my mom can't love me and the horror of knowing my sister was stuck there without me. My only regret ever, of leaving there, was that my sister was still there. I know logically, it was my only option. I know I had to leave to save myself. But there is always deep, deep regret that there was nothing I could do for my sister. That she had to be there all alone. And there was nothing I could do and I am so sad and sorry about that. And then packing up and moving a thousand miles away and leaving her again. I felt like such a bad sister. I can still feel that numb part of me, that went numb that day. I can see the exact point in the road where my mom's words changed me forever.